SOCIETY WILL LAY IN RUINS

The depression came again, but I have been working through it this time, and it is not as bad as it used to be. I still can't sleep, I cry all night, I wake up with tearstains on my cheeks, reeking of heartbreak and incense. I am not smoking any more. My aunt is living with us now. She has three kinds of cancers and a perforated bowel. We don't know what will happen. It scares me. I just want a cigarette, but I don't want to be her.

Not smoking has make me gain weight. I have gone through three different diets in the past few months. Because of the weight I gained back, I have lost a total of three pounds. Some days, I make myself sick in the mirror. Other days, I can guide my hand down soft skin and fat and feel beautiful like the stars in the twenties. They weren't so thin. They wouldn't give me dirty looks.

My birthday went well. It was small, a few friends, and I spent part of the day at the hospital with my aunt (she is now home with us, as I said). I was pierced, on my left brow and my right nostril. The brow piercing is horribly bruised now, deep blackpurple and reds and yellows. I received wonderful gifts, like a ditch head named Hershall who was gained through means I do not believe were exactly legal, and an antique clock shaped like a giant pocket watch. I have new clothing and jewelery. I am soon to be getting a gift in the mail from a friend who lives far enough away that it is required.

A few days later, my friend took me to Lily Dale as a present. I had a reading done and she also bought me a few things that hopefully will bring me what they are supposed to..

I have spent almost every day with my friends so far. It has been the most wonderful summer I think I have ever had, and it is only the end of May. We eat lemon ice and watch movies and discuss the fall of society and how we will come out unscathed and dressed in the height of steampunk fashions. Marissa purchased a gas mask. I am lusting after goggles and circular bandoleer scarves.

Everything is kind of backwards right now, but I am working through it. I am stronger than I have been with all of this support. It isn't so bad. It isn't so bad.

I just want a cigarette..