I can't help it.
I can't help being afraid. And lonely. And it's not so much afraid as something so much more, something that hollowed my chest and shoves everything into my throat or maybe my nose because I really can't breath through that anymore and I'm just kind of sitting here making odd little gasping, wheezing sounds while tears run rivers down my cheeks.
All in all, I am a hot mess.
But jokes aside, is this fear rational?
This horrible, clawing feeling.
Is this what getting older is all about?
Ten years from now, will I be sitting in some dark apartment, no heat, no gas, eating the cheap bread and instant noodles and feeling so god damn alone and it'll be there, this feeling, crawling all over my skin like hundreds of tiny maggots that eat away at all the joy in my life I never really had, but really just borrowed from all of you.
And now it's all gone, and you're all gone, and someday, everyone will be gone and it will just be me and my happy-eating maggots and this feeling and my cheap bread and I think at that point it wouldn't even be worth it to kill myself because really, that is the absolute definition of death to me.
I can feel it.
I can feel it coming.
I think I need to sleep for a long time.
(Maybe this is just that depression all over again?)
